“May Day” isn’t just the first day of the fifth month, it’s also a distress signal which takes on added significance in Joe Biden’s WTF? occupation of the White House. Today is the calendar’s way of reminding us that we’re all screwed. Here’s some more WTF? from some seriously distressed and screwed individuals:
Headline of the Week
Joshua Lee-Paterson, 20, and Jordan Turnbull, 28, had an “unnatural connection” with the animal at a farm over three months.
Horrified locals told of their disgust after the sickos admitted having sex with a horse at a secluded farm.
Lee-Paterson and Turnbull abused the animal at the quiet rural spot over a three-month period.
But they were snared after a tip-off sparked an undercover probe into bestiality — and the vile pair confessed to having an “unnatural connection with a horse” in Cothal, Aberdeenshire.
After guilty pleas were entered on their behalf at Aberdeen Sheriff Court, a source said: “What those beasts did to that poor animal was horrendous — they deserve to be jailed.
“It’s important everyone knows who these monsters are so people know to watch out for them. They must never be allowed to do this again.”
Lee-Paterson is understood to have owned a field at the farm and kept horses there.
“On the face of it Josh seemed like a personable, decent guy. But under the surface there’s something very wrong. He’s an oddball.”
One local said rumours had spread about what was going on at the farm.
They said: “We thought it was drugs — there were odd comings and goings.
“But it turned out to be far worse. No one can get their head around it.
Did they have a ménage à trot or was it a trifecta-way?
Steel Rod of the Week
Prankster orders 7ft steel penis to be left outside friend’s house as birthday ‘gift’
A prankster wanting to give his friend a birthday he’d never forget ordered a 7ft metal penis with a delivery that would ensure “maximum visibility and embarrassment”.
The order was put through to steel fabricator Latham’s Steel Doors, who admitted it was one of the weirdest requests ever received.
The workshop said that after confirming there were no bad intensions behind the prank, they decided to satisfy the request as it would cheer up staff – and the birthday boy – after the past lockdown year.
The customer’s specifications for the designers made the whole order even more hilarious…
They said that the order must be as follows: “At least 7ft tall and delivered outside the house surreptitiously to ensure maximum visibility and embarrassment.
“Self standing and thick enough to make it difficult to get rid of.
“Welded to make it difficult to take apart.
“Engraved with a happy birthday message.
“Wrapped with enough polystyrene balls so that, when opened, they’d have to clean that up too.
Why does it have 4 balls?
Hog of the Week
36-year-old man’s penis & testicles cut off and given to pigs for attempting to rape his niece
According to Dailymail.co.uk, the man’s niece, who remains anonymous, managed to fight off his advances and fled before he drunkenly staggered home and fell asleep.
Despite failing to rape the young relative, her boyfriend and his cousin were reportedly furious and allegedly asked the uncle to join them in a nearby sugarcane field where they planned to neuter pigs.
They then pounced on and beat him unconscious. As if that wasn’t enough, they cut off his penis and testicles and allegedly and threw them to the pigs to eat.
The man reportedly called medics after he regained consciousness and managed to struggle home while he was bleeding profusely. He was rushed in an ambulance to the nearby Doutor Gil Alves Municipal Hospital in Bocaiuva after the doctors managed to stop the bleeding.
However, surgeons said they could not reattach the victim’s penis and testicles after the genitalia was reportedly thrown to the pigs and eaten.
Dailymail.co.uk reported Police officer Stephan da Silva as saying that he and his men searched for the missing genitalia but did not find it.
“This case is something unusual, out of the ordinary. It is even inhumane,” Stephan da Silva is quoted as having said.
Doctors who managed to reconstruct the victim’s urinary tract to enable him to urinate said that is the best they could do for him.
“It was like something out of a scene from a Dante novel. His penis and scrotum had been severed and his external genitalia were completely missing.
They fed his hog to the hogs.
Road Hog of the Week
Staff ordered not to use traffic signal because ‘it looked too much like a penis’
Staff weren’t allowed to use a signal on a smart motorway because it looked like a penis, an ex-worker has claimed.
Operators were told the overhead sign telling drivers both the fast and slow lanes of the road were closed was said to resemble male genitalia and they were allegedly blocked from activating it.
A damning statement by Christopher Challis, who worked at the CCTV centre on the M25, has detailed a series of issues experienced by camera and sign operators working on the controversial motorways.
Staff monitored the road, which does not have a hard shoulder, in case of breakdowns and could close lanes off to protect drivers if necessary.
But they were not allowed to close both the inside and outside lane at the same time because of the risk of displaying a phallic like image on the overhead sign, Mr Challis claimed.
Speaking to the Mail, Mr Challis added: ‘Somebody in their wisdom, higher up in Highways England, had suggested it looked like a penis, because the two red Xs looked like balls. We were told, “you can test it but don’t implement it”. When you tried to set it, it said “invalid”.’
Clearly the higher-ups have never seen a penis or balls before.
Question of the Week
Man ‘exposed penis’ in Prosperous and asked garda ‘what’s it to you’
An elderly man who allegedly had his penis exposed is being prosecuted at Naas District Court
It was claimed at a court sitting on April 21 that the incident occurred in the Prosperous area on April 9 and he is being prosecuted for an alleged breach of the Public Order Act.
It was claimed by Sgt Brian Jacob that the incident happened in the afternoon and when approached by a garda and asked what he was doing, the man said “I’m just masturbating, what’s it got to do with you.”
Granting free legal aid, Judge Desmond Zaidan commented that he has a concern about the man’s state of mind especially if he is in proximity to schools.
Mind your own damn business.
Probe of the Week
Probe claims detainees beaten, genitals sprayed with chilli
KUALA LUMPUR: Two NGOs are calling for investigations into claims that 22 detainees were abused by officers at the Jelebu Prison in Negeri Sembilan last month.
Speaking at a press conference here today, several of the detainees’ family members described how their loved ones were beaten with plastic pipes, sticks, chairs and other objects on April 8.
They also claimed their private parts were sprayed with chilli oil, leaving the traumatised detainees fearful for their lives, with some even contemplating suicide.
Seems like the probing was the problem in the first place.
See Saw of the Week
Man’s testicles finally freed from broken plastic chair thanks to ‘carpenter’ & his saw
A heart-stopping video circulating on social media shows the moment a sharp saw had to be employed to cut open a plastic chair to liberate a man’s testicles that got inexplicably trapped in it.
It is unclear how the sad incident occurred. The only obvious thing is that a man is seen tactfully cutting the plastic chair into two to free the trapped testicles from its grips.
The obviously suffering man is seen seated while naked with his legs wide opened to enable a successful ‘surgery’ without causing further harm to arguably the most precious part of his body.
The video has ignited hilarious reactions on social media platforms with many people wondering how he got himself into that difficult situation in the first place.
No pix or video in that story, BTW.
Packer of the Week
A Missouri woman has been sentenced to 10 years in prison for smuggling a loaded mini gun into a county jail inside her vagina – and the weapon was not discovered by corrections officers until more than two weeks later.
Amy Wilhite, 39, pleaded guilty on April 19 to a felony delivery or possession of a weapon at a county jail, and was handed a sentence of 10 years in state prison.
Wilhite was originally arrested on drug and weapons charges on February 14 and booked into the Boone County jail.
It was not until 17 days after Wilhite’s arrest that corrections officers discovered the smuggled firearm wrapped in plastic among her belongings in her jail cell…
The gun, which was fully loaded with five rounds, has been described as a North American Arms .22 caliber revolver.
It is 4 inches long, 2.38 inches tall and .88 inches wide, and weighing 4.6 ounces…
She looks like she might be more satisfied with a Colt Python.
Dear Def-Con News – Weekly Advice Column
Is the Loch Ness Monster Just a Whale Penis?
Ask your mother – DCN
Why Are Women More Vulnerable to Flooding in India?
They retain water – DCN
Does Your Cat’s Butthole Touch Everything It Sits On?
Just my head – DCN
Why Are There (Still) Boobs On Everything?
Because everything (still) doesn’t suck – DCN
Too much of a good thing – DCN
Are Dark Nipples A Sign Of Pregnancy?
Either that or the apocalypse – DCN
Want to prevent sagging of breasts?
No, but I wouldn’t mind getting my scrotum up off the floor – DCN
Should Fessy Have Eaten the Testicles?
Yup – DCN
Nope – DCN
Purple monkey dishwasher – DCN
Hearing of the Week
Student sexually harassed by creepy men at golf club as one asked to stick his genitals in her ear
A university student has spoken out after being sexually harassed by men “old enough to be my dad” while working at a Sheffield golf club.
Molly Bryan was called in last minute to work at a private function at Hallamshire Golf Club on September 12. While there, she says some of the men started to sexually harass her when she began serving drinks.
She said some of the men, who had been drinking throughout the evening, made lewd comments, sexual innuendos and ogled her during her shift, leaving the 20-year-old feeling upset and unsettled.
“One said he would like ‘to f*** me’ and ‘stick his c*** in my ear’,” said Molly, who worked at the club during uni breaks.
“I was nearly in tears on this shift, knowing that I was not supposed to leave, feeling like I was on my own and there was nothing I could do.”
She was later told by one of her colleagues that one of the men also “got his genitals out”.
Twat did you say? I cunt hear you, I have an ear infucktion.
Lube of the Week
15-cm long lotion bottle found in man’s rectum in Guangzhou
A doctor who recently treated a man in a hospital in Guangzhou discovered that the patient had stuffed a 15-centimeter long lotion bottle into his body because he “wanted to get more excitement.”
The man was reportedly transferred to the First Affiliated Hospital of Guangzhou University of Chinese Medicine, claiming that there was an object in his rectum that could not be taken out, according to a blog posted by Kankan News on China’s Twitter-like platform Weibo on Saturday.
In a CT image of the man’s body, “a foreign object was found in the upper middle part of the rectum and the lower part of the sigmoid colon,” said Sun Feng, the doctor of the anorectal department of the hospital.
After a 35-minute operation, the doctor successfully removed the foreign object from his body, and said that he was able to save the man as he had sought medical help in time.
Sun said that there has been an increasing number of similar cases involving light bulbs, flashlights, pens and even eels in recent years. He said that patients should not feel ashamed to ask for help from doctors, adding that the optimal treatment time is within 48 hours.
Ironically, if he had used the lotion as intended that bottle would have slipped right out.
Demon of the Week
PA Man Accused Of Sexually Abusing Girls 8, 10 Says He Was Possessed By Devil
A Telford man who told authorities he was possessed by the devil was slapped with various assault and abuse charges Tuesday after police say he sexually abused two girls ages 8 and 10, and took upskirt photos of a 16-year-old girl, as first reported by NorthPennNow.
Allen Kraus, 39, was identified by police when they received a report from Bucks County Children and Youth on April 12 regarding inappropriate photos found on his phone, the criminal complaint says.
An ensuing investigation found he took upskirt photos of a 10-year-old girl and also had “indecent contact” with an 8-year-old girl, the complaint says.
Later that evening, when investigators visited the complainant’s home in Hilltown Township, she told police the 10-year-old girl told her she heard Kraus taking a picture of her while it was aimed up her skirt as she was changing her clothes two days earlier, the report says.
The woman also found more upskirt photos of the victim, and additional child pornography after reviewing Kraus’ phone, the report says.
The woman told police after she sent the inappropriate photos from his phone to hers, Kraus admitted to touching an 8-year-old girl, according to the complaint.
Kraus allegedly put his hands down the 8-year-old girl’s underwear, inappropriately touched her, and inserted a finger into her anus, the complaint says.
The complaint also says that Kraus consistently picked the girl up by the butt and put her down when family members walked into the room.
When police arrived at a home in Richland Township on April 13, they found Kraus, who turned over his phone and admitted to taking the photos of the 10-year-old girl, saying, “the devil got a hold of me” and “he wanted to see what was up there,” the report says.
According to the mug shot, his story checks out.
Border Crisis of the Week
Man builds poop wall in Washtenaw County after dispute with neighbor
A 250-foot long wall of poop divides two properties in Lodi Township.
It’s a smelly fence that Wayne Lambarth says his farmer neighbor built after a dispute.
“Normally they spread it on the field but they decided to make a fence out of it,” Lambarth.
Lambarth’s grandfather developed the farm 100 years ago, but the property was divided, and there was a dispute over the property line last year.
That’s when the manure appeared, close to the house.
“It’s just a s— pile over there,” Jaidyn Schwarzel said.
Lambarth has tenants living in the house who are forced to deal with smelling the cow poop wall every day.
“It’s like you can’t leave the window open. The whole upstairs will smell like it,” Coyne Gatto said.
Gatto and Schwarzel live in the home and have complained about the smell of the poop.
When asked about the poop wall, the neighbor who built it said, “It’s not a poop wall. It’s a compost fence.”
He was also told that his neighbor did not like the poop, to which he responded something inaudible about not liking the price of milk before he got back to work on his farm.
While the poop is a disgusting nuisance, local officials said nothing can be done about it because it is on the neighbor’s property.
Walls work!
Kissing Cousin of the Week
West Virginia man charged with over 300 counts of incest
A 65-year-old West Virginia man is facing hundreds of charges for allegedly sexually assaulting a juvenile relative for six years.
Officers arrested Billie Gene Seabolt, of Clendenin, on Wednesday, according to a criminal complaint. A trooper responded to a call from Seabolt’s home saying another man had allegedly “made” the juvenile relative leave the home with him. The caller said they believed they had gone to a home in Kanawha County.
The trooper then went to the other man’s home and spoke with him, his wife and the juvenile, according to the complaint.
The criminal complaint states that the juvenile then allegedly told the trooper she had wanted to leave Seabolt’s home. The trooper said she briefly explained “things of sexual nature were taking place” at the home.
The trooper then contacted the Woman’s and Children’s Advocacy Center for a forensic interview. The criminal complaint states that during that interview, the juvenile reportedly claimed Seabolt had sexually assaulted her at least once a week from 2014 to 2017 and then again after 2018.
The trooper then went back to Seabolt’s home and arrested him. He is charged with one count of sexual abuse by a custodian or guardian, first degree sexual assault and 312 counts of incest — one count for each week during that time period.
Making him the least incestuous dude in West Virginia history.
Vibrator of the Week
Benelli launches new seated electric scooter called the ‘Dong,’ and it actually looks pretty cool
If the plethora of small and lightweight electric scooters on the market has taught us anything, it’s that size doesn’t matter – it’s how you use it. And no scooter seems to embody that ethos better than Benelli’s new Dong electric scooter.
Companies like Yamaha and Honda have each come out with their own little electric scooters, but the Dong embraces an entirely new design direction.
The Italian motorcycle company Benelli (though now owned by Chinese parent company Geely) has designed the Dong as a lightweight urban runabout.
Redefining what it means to ride an electric dong.
Sh*t of the Week
DC Encourages You to “Take the Sh*t”
The District of Columbia unveiled a graphic alongside its announcements that vaccine centers will transition from appointment-only to walk-up next month, and that it loosened some pandemic-related restrictions on restaurants. The graphic encourages people to get vaccinated, an excellent goal in line with promoting public health. But it kind of looks like DC wants you to do, uh, something else with your body.
The “o” in the logo has been replaced by a representation of the coronavirus similar to the one CDC illustrators unleashed last year to explain how the virus attaches itself to cells so easily—those spike proteins attach to humans’ cells, while other proteins deliver its deadly payload. The vaccines teach your body how to fight off the virus. That medical miracle may not be immediately apparent to anyone who sees this graphic.
Everybody in DC is already full of sh*t. They need a campaign to encourage them to f*ck off.
F*ck of the Week
Footage shows the moment the pair were caught romping in Edinburgh Playing Fields in Aylesbury, Bucks., by an angry local.
During the clip, the woman approaches the couple and says “there’s kids over there and you’re having sex” before asking: “You think that’s alright”?
The couple respond “no”, adding: “We know we have done wrong.”
The furious mum responds: “My child is seven years old – you lot are taking the f****** p***”.
As the couple get up and put their clothes back on, she adds: “Have some f****** respect”.
A spokesperson for Thames Valley Police told The Sun Online that the incident had been reported to the Force at 3.50pm on Friday.
They said: “The matter has been recorded as an exposure and an investigation is ongoing to identify the offenders.”
What the f*ck does “taking the f****** p***” mean?
Wookie of the Week
NOPD seeks stabbing suspect dressed as Chewbacca
Police in New Orleans are searching for an alleged stabbing suspect dressed as the Star Wars character, Chewbacca.
Authorities need the public’s help in identifying the person in the costume.
A police report says the subject dressed as Chewbacca, allegedly stabbed the victim with a knife after a verbal disagreement. It happened Saturday at about 8:50 p.m., in the 700 block of Toulouse Street. Police did not say what condition the stabbing victim is in.
Police did say the suspect is a street performer who dresses as the famous Wookiee.
The costumed subject’s actual identity is unknown. However, a witness stated that the subject’s costume head came off during the altercation and revealed the suspect to be a black male, possibly in his 20s.
The suspect was seen fleeing in a late model Millennium Falcon with tinted windows.
Heist of the Week
Man arrested at teller window during attempted bank robbery, Ocala police say
A man is behind bars after he was arrested inside a bank during an attempted robbery, according to Ocala police.
Joshua Snavely, 36, was arrested Saturday at a Bank of America branch at 2326 E. Silver Springs Blvd, according to the police report.
Officers said Snavely approached the window and read the teller a prepared note, saying that he was robbing the bank and that she was to give him money. The teller looked to a coworker who then activated the alarm, according to the report.
Police said both tellers then went to the back of the bank and called police, offering a description from the surveillance video.
When officers arrived at the bank, they said they found Snavely still standing in the same spot in front of the teller window. Police said they found a notepad on Snavely with the robbery note he read to the tellers.
Only the supreme cunning of the bank teller could defeat this criminal mastermind.
WTF? of the Week
Man pleads guilty to sexually assaulting child, abusing corpse and abusing impaired person
A man whose sexual assault charge led to the discovery of his longtime girlfriend’s sister’s skeletonized corpse has pleaded guilty to multiple felonies in Miller County.
Tony Ken Hooker, 64, pleaded guilty this week to sexual assault of a child, abuse of a corpse and abuse of an endangered or impaired person at a hearing before Circuit Judge Carlton Jones. Hooker was sentenced to maximum prison terms on each count including 20 years for sexual assault, 10 years for abuse of a corpse and 20 years for abuse of an endangered or impaired person.
When Hooker was arrested in 2019 for molesting one of his girlfriend’s relatives when she was a minor, family members pressed authorities to look into the welfare of 40-year-old Christy Himes, according to search warrant and probable cause affidavits. Christy Himes was intellectually disabled and had a history of seizures.
Christy Himes was the sister of Debbie Sue Himes, Hooker’s partner of more than 20 years. Hooker, Debbie Himes and Christy Himes lived together in a house Hooker owned in the 1200 block of Martha Street.
When Hooker was arrested on the sexual assault charge in October 2019, a family member of Christy Himes called Adult Protective Services and asked them to perform a welfare check.
The woman who contacted Adult Protective Services reported that she was worried Debbie Himes, who is in a wheelchair because of stroke in November 2017, would not be able to adequately care for Christy Himes with Hooker in jail. One of Debbie Himes’ daughters arrived at the house while an A.P.S. caseworker and a Texarkana, Ark., police officer were there to conduct the welfare check.
When the caseworker and police officer made contact with Debbie Himes she allegedly told them Christy Himes was in Tyler, Texas, visiting another relative. The officials had already determined that Christy Himes was not with the relative in Tyler and when confronted with that knowledge, Debbie Himes allegedly claimed Christy Himes was in Alaska for the funeral of their father who’d died two weeks before. Investigators determined the father actually died in May, not in September, and that Christy Himes was not in Alaska.
Concern for Christy Himes’ welfare increased with the disproved explanations allegedly provided by Debbie Himes and with Debbie Himes’ refusal to allow the caseworker and police officer to enter the unoccupied house. Texarkana Arkansas Police Department Sgt. Paul Nall and others were called to the scene and search warrants were acquired for both of Hooker’s houses.
“The smell inside the home was almost unbearable,” the affidavit states.
Investigators and crime scene detectives noted the smaller home was filthy and filled with trash. A dog kennel full of animal waste sat on a table in the living room.
When investigators opened the door to a bedroom, they immediately noticed a pile of bones protruding from a plastic garbage bag lying on an old metal-framed bed.
“On the bed were several obvious bones which appeared to have been chewed on by animals,” the affidavit states. “The body was almost fully decomposed with only a small amount of skin and hair left on the skull.”
When interviewed by detectives the same day the body was found, Debbie Himes allegedly told them Christy Himes died a few days after having a seizure but did not say when the death occurred. When asked why she didn’t call 911 when her sister died, Debbie Himes allegedly told detectives she could not afford a funeral. When asked what she and Hooker had been doing with Christy Himes’ federal disability payments, she allegedly said, “I used it to pay the bills.”
Investigators interviewed Hooker while he was in custody on the sexual assault charge Oct. 7. Hooker told them Christy Himes died sometime after his mother died in June 2016 but before Debbie Himes suffered a stroke in November 2017.
Hooker told investigators it was him who stuffed Christy Himes into a garbage bag, taped it shut and placed it on her bed in the smaller Martha Street house where it remained for years. Hooker told investigators that he and Debbie Himes continued to reside in the house with the corpse until moving into the larger house after Debbie Himes suffered a stroke in November 2017.
Hooker said he came to think of the smaller of his two Martha Street properties as “Christy’s tomb” and that he continued to use the clothes dryer in the bedroom with the decomposing body even after he and Debbie Himes moved to the larger house.
The only thing hard to believe about this story is that this guy ever did laundry.
