On Día de Muertos, pretend Hispanic guy Beto O’Rourke declared his presidential campaign officially dead. The slacker doofus announced he is dropping out of the 2020 democratic primary, which is actually kind of sad because he’s so damn entertaining. So now who’s going to take our AR-15s? Cory Booker? His numbers are even crappier Beta O’Dork’s.
In a Medium post, O’Rourke finally realized what everyone else on the planet has known since his campaign began:
Though it is difficult to accept, it is clear to me now that this campaign does not have the means to move forward successfully. My service to the country will not be as a candidate or as the nominee. Acknowledging this now is in the best interests of those in the campaign; it is in the best interests of this party as we seek to unify around a nominee; and it is in the best interests of the country.
Even in crushing defeat, he’s still a major douchebag. How was him running poorly for president a service to this country? Sure, Def Con News got plenty of articles out of his patheticness, but it’s doubtful that made this country a better place.
This announcement is exactly the kind of hot mess we’ve come to expect from O’Rourke:
Our campaign has been about seeing clearly, speaking honestly and acting decisively in the best interests of America.
He wanted to confiscate guns and jail deserters. He made up all kinds of lies about President Trump’s “racism.” His speeches are a disconnected stream of consciousness with flailing arms. There was nothing clear or honest about his campaign and it certainly wasn’t in the best interest of America.
We should be proud of what we fought for and what we were able to achieve.
And what exactly did he achieve? 2% support among democratic voters isn’t anything to brag about. Maybe he’s one of those people that believes a participation trophy makes everybody a winner. Actually, it’s certain he’s one of those type of people.
Beto goes on to bitch about how President Trump is the worst thing that ever happened to anything:
And at this moment of truth for our country, we laid bare the cost and consequence of Donald Trump: the rise in hate crimes, the terror attack in El Paso, the perversion of the Constitution, the diminished standing of the United States around the world.
None of that is true, but hey, at least Trump can win an election.
Now that Beto has dropped out of the race, what’s next for a goofy guy with no marketable skills?
Let us continue to fearlessly champion the issues and causes that brought us together. Whether it is ending the epidemic of gun violence or dismantling structural racism or successfully confronting climate change before it is too late, we will continue to organize and mobilize and act in the best interests of America.
Chances are he’s not going to do any of that, mostly because he never did any of that while he was running. The smart money is on him getting his own show on CNN: Bullshit with Beto.
O’Rourke ran for Senate against Republican Ted Cruz and lost. He then announced his candidacy for president and proceeded to flop. Surely there must be something else he can fail at. He sucks at music and skateboarding so perhaps there’s a battle of the bands or a half-pipe completion he can embarrass himself in.
O’Rourke supporters (supporter?) are reportedly devastated, but won’t somebody think of me for a change? With Eric Swalwell, Kirsten Gillibrand, and now Beto O’Rourke out of the race, most of the funniest democrats are dunzo and I have much less crazy crap to write about. I guess there’s still Joe Biden, but how many “Crazy Joe” articles can I write per day?
